Explaining baseball to my 4-year-old:

See, that guy has to hit the ball that the other guy is pitching to him. If he doesn’t pitch it right, it’s a ball. Well yeah he’s throwing the ball, but it’s called a ball if… nevermind. If it’s where he can hit it, and he doesn’t hit it, it’s a strike. If he gets three strikes, he’s out. And if the team gets three outs, then they’re turn to bat is over.

Now, when he hits the ball, he has to get to base before the other guys can throw the baseball back to the base. If he gets there, he’s safe, but if he doesn’t, he’s out. If they catch the ball before it hits the ground, then he’s also out.

Oh geez, that guy tried to steal a base. Ok…. that guy was trying to sneak over to the other base while that guy was trying to hit… but they caught him. Yes, it’s bad to steal, honey.

How the hell am I supposed to explain a balk?

Explaining hockey to my 4-year-old:

They’re trying to get the puck in the net.

While Big Brown won yesterday’s Kentucky Derby by 4 3/4 lengths, the real story happened after the race.

Eight Belles, a filly who was trying to become the 4th to win the Derby, ended up in second place. But as her rider tried to pull her up, the horse broke both of her ankles. She fell on the track and would not get back up. But in an amazing show of sportshorseship, the other horses on the track would not let Eight Belles suffer. They, instead, picked up the filly on their backs, and as the crowd began to clap slowly, carried her into the veterinarian’s office to be euthanized.

“What an amazing display of what it’s all about,” said Dr. Larry Bramdlidge, the doctor who sent Eight Belles to her death. “Those horses wouldn’t let their compatriot suffer on the track. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Trainer Larry Jones was moved to tears. “It was absolutely amazing that the other horses took care of my filly. My only regret is that she could not thank them herself.”

Wow. Honestly, I think this is the most offensive thing I’ve ever written.

Dear Shaggy,

We’re worried… whenever CC gets crushed like that, we know we’re getting crushed next.

Signed,
Cheeseburgers

(I know, I know, Jim Rome does the same thing. It’s probably the only part of the show I actually get a kick out of.)

I don’t know if I’ve told you before, but I’ve got super powers. Okay, maybe it’s not super, but it is most certainly an ability. An admittedly crappy one, sure… maybe not Heroes worthy, but maybe 4400 worthy. See, I can affect future events.

At first, it was just at restaurants. Is the food taking too long? Hold on, I’ll go to the bathroom. SHAZAAM, the food is there, and my dish is already cold. But hey, I’m willing to take one for the team.

But then, during last year’s football season, I was so impressed with the Lions start to the season, I switched the Kitna Kounter to the Bizzaro Kitna Kounter (this happened on the old-and-busted blog). After I made that switch, the Lions reeled off 6 straight losses and all was right with the world.

I’ve vowed to only use these powers for good, and right now, there is a need for me to use them… the 2008 Detroit Tigers.

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From CBS Sports (which I still visit as Sportsline, for whatever reason):

CARTHAGE, Mo. — Ultimate fighting was once the sole domain of burly men who beat each other bloody in anything-goes brawls on pay-per-view TV.

But the sport often derided as “human cockfighting” is branching out.

The bare-knuckle fights are now attracting competitors as young as 6 whose parents treat the sport as casually as wrestling, Little League or soccer.

The changes were evident on a recent evening in southwest Missouri, where a team of several young boys and one girl grappled on gym mats in a converted garage.

So, with Ella turning 4 in December,  we started thinking about some sort of physical activites for her… you know, so she doesn’t start to resemble her dad in the ways of the waist. This early on, there’s not much more than just “runnin’ around the park”, but in the future there’s soccer, gymnastics, little league maybe. Or, I can lock her in the octagon and let her punch, kick, and grapple her way to fitness.