As the Toledo Rockets get ready for tonight’s game against Eastern Michigan (at a record of 5-11, 2-2 in the conference), one thing is clear: they still kinda miss Kashif Payne. He had to take a leave of absence at the start of the season, and the way it’s looking, he ain’t coming back. Kinda crummy timing for the team, seeing as Payne was going to be one of only 2 seniors on the team, alongside Jerrah Young. Young, to his credit, is making the best of a bad situation and has really stepped up as a leader.

But the question remains: what happened to Kashif? As it is, nobody’s talking. The University is mum, the daily local would have had a massive exposé if it were something controversial (say, anything that tied into Scooter McDougle’s story), and other coaches are asking me if I know anything (and I’ll tell you right now, I’m connected to nobody). While we hope that everything is fine with his health and well being, we are left with nothing but wild speculation as to his disappearance this year.

After the jump, 11 possible reasons why Kashif Payne has not (and probably won’t ever) play this season:

• Developed allergy to hardwood floors.
• Refusing to play for a team named “Rockets” as an anti-war statement.
• Is currently uncovering the secret plot surrounding the murder of his wife and a drug known as “Valkyr”.
• Recently learned his dad graduated from Bowling Green, is facing a massive identity crisis.
• Visited relatives in Florida, decided “Screw that cold weather crap.”
• In a comedic turn of events, felt bad for embarrassing everybody else in the shower.
• Couldn’t stop reoccurring nightmares of playing for the Washington Generals.
• Was filming a sequel to “Space Jam” that starred college players, was struck by hilariously large anvil.
• Bet his season’s eligibility that he could beat Coach Joplin in a game of HORSE.
• Depression set in after “Kashif Payne Fan Club” Facebook group failed to get more members than the Barry Church group.